I Want A Refund

A disgruntled Go-Deviler sent me the attached e-mail. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


Subject: ANOTHER letter from disgruntled Go-Devil owner

Date: Thur, 28 April 2005

Dear Mr. Varner,

You know that I have a scientifical background and that I am a former earthshakeologist with the UselesS GeesuS and therefore, I have some credibility in the field of statistical methodology, the earth's magnetic field, and the general principles of immutibility.

Having that said, I wish to inform you that I have confirmed, without much doubt, that owning a Go-Devil Engine, hereafter referred to as GDE, attracts unwanted Prop-Kicking WingNuts, hereafter referred to as PKWNs. We like to call them PickWins in the lab.

Anyhow, in order to test this theory to it's fullest, I took my boat to the local boat ramp and made like I was going to launch it. I backed the boat down the ramp, took it off the trailer, put on my life jacket, put the drain plug back in, bailed out the boat, hopped in the boat, and began taking copious notes.

NOT ONE PKW came up to me and asked me about my GDE. NOT ONE! Since I have sold my GDE, do not currently have any engine on my boat whatsoever, and want to know when my new Go-Devil Surface Drive Engine will be showing up thankyouverymuch, I can only draw the most obvious scientifical conclusion that GDEs attract PKWs and conversely and most importantly, NOT having a GDE DOES NOT attract PKWs! This is really important stuff!

For those who may not have a scientifical background, it's just like ice cream. If you have ice cream, you eat it. If you do not have ice cream, you don't eat it. Scientifically, even the most astute observer can only conclude, therefore, that there are a finite number of PKWs for every GDE created.

The next step in this study, which is the subject of a pending research grant by the State of Alaska, Guvnor Murkyowski presiding, is to determine, through exacting observations, the exact number of PKWs associated with each GDE. While this theory could take years of boat launching to conclusively prove beyond any doubt, I can, at this time, determine with high probability that this number is greater than or equal to 3, plus or minus 10, per GDE.

Given that Go-Devil, Inc. has created 19.971 GDEs to date, and using the ratio of 3 PKWs per GDE, we can safely predict the total number of PKWs to be in excess of 59,913! Given that each one of those PKWs takes up about 5 minutes of time from each GDE owner per boat launch and you have an eye-popping 299,565 minutes or 4992.75 hours or 108.0313 days or 29.7188 weeks or 0.5715 years of boating time not realized by those GDE owners!

I can only conclude, based on incomplete and unfunded preliminary research, that Mr. Coco (the owner of Go-Devil, Inc.) is perhaps unknowingly and even unwittingly extracting boating time from each purchaser of a GDE and I want a refund.

Mortimer Schnerd

1389 Propgrinder Alley

Bearflanks, AK (that's Alaska, not Arkansas!)

(I think you met my half brother, Dim, once. His other half-brother, my second cousin, is Nit. You might remember him, all the Wit boys is kinda slow.

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